Mystic Dan Ashamed of Christian MAGA Beliefs
After clinching victory in the Kentucky Derby, Mystic Dan grapples with a profound internal conflict. Despite basking in the glory of his triumph, he's unable to revel in the fullness of his achievement. Behind the veil of his success lies a hidden truth: his devout...
FBI Announces Missing Marine Biologist Was A Soviet Spy
After nearly 40 years, the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Dr. Gillian Taylor, the esteemed marine biologist and co-director of the Cetacean Institute, has become clouded in even more mystery. The FBI, in a shocking announcement, revealed that Dr. Taylor was...
New LA to LV Bullet Train To Stop At Barstow In-N-Out Burger
The In-N-Out Burger in Barstow, CA, announces plans for a drive-through tailored specifically for the Brightline West Bullet Train. The innovative design aims to offer passengers a seamless dining experience, allowing them to savor the iconic flavors of In-N-Out...
LOCAL
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Loud Argument At Taco Bell Prompts UNLV Into Lock Down
A heated argument erupted at a local Taco Bell near Decatur and Alta, triggering a campus-wide lockdown at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV), as a precautionary measure....
BUSINESS BRIEF – Spirit Airlines Will Not Charge For Oxygen
Spirit Airlines announced today that they will not be implementing charges for oxygen onboard their flights, citing passenger safety as a paramount concern. The surprising...
BREAKING: Fontainbleu Suffers Wynn Resorts Drone Attack
In a horrifying turn of events, the recently opened Fontainbleu Resort has come under a relentless drone assault by Wynn Resorts. Witnesses report a sudden onslaught of unmanned...
Teacher Appreciated By Administration
Vegas Valley Elementary School's Teacher Appreciation week took a typical turn when Mrs. Emily Tully, a beloved third-grade teacher, received her token of gratitude from the...
Breaking News: Vegas Golden Knights and Boston Bruins Swap Entire Teams in Blockbuster Trade
BREAKING NEWS: Vegas Golden Knights and Boston Bruins Swap Entire Teams in Blockbuster Trade In a shocking move that has sent seismic waves through the hockey world, the Vegas...
Tropicana Hotel Vows To Empty Rooms Before Implosion
Tropicana Hotel in Las Vegas Vows Empty Rooms Before Implosion, Making Way for Oakland A's Baseball Stadium In a move that has captured the attention of locals and tourists...
NATIONAL
US Office of Weights and Measures Elevates Shit Show above Dumpster Fire
In a surprising move, the U.S. Office of Weights and Measures has officially updated its scale of chaotic events. "Shit Show" has now switched places with "Dumpster Fire," reflecting a shift in public perception and usage. This change means that a "Dumpster Fire" is...
FBI Announces Missing Marine Biologist Was A Soviet Spy
After nearly 40 years, the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Dr. Gillian Taylor, the esteemed marine biologist and co-director of the Cetacean Institute, has become clouded in even more mystery. The FBI, in a shocking announcement, revealed that Dr. Taylor was...
Student Spends 30 Seconds Reviewing Tik Tok Ban Article Before Moving on to Another Topic
College student Declan Rodriguez skimmed the first few words of an article detailing the complex issues of the recent legislation regarding the sale or banning of TikTok before losing interest and swiping on to something else. A high school class clown mooned his...
Man Joins Campus Protest With Hopes to Get Laid
Yesterday, a part-time student joined a campus protest with the hope that it might make inroads with Shelly and ultimately lead to getting her into bed. "When Shelly told me she was going to protest something about the Middle East or something, I thought she'd be...
SPORTS
UNLV Basketball Season Ends, And Everyone Is A Winner
In a heartwarming display of inclusivity and sportsmanship, the UNLV Basketball team took center stage in a recent basketball tournament where every participant emerged...
LV Lights Could Win a Game
Despite facing initial setbacks with losses in their first two matches, the Las Vegas Lights remain undeterred in their conviction that they could win a game this season. The...
Breaking News: Vegas Golden Knights and Boston Bruins Swap Entire Teams in Blockbuster Trade
BREAKING NEWS: Vegas Golden Knights and Boston Bruins Swap Entire Teams in Blockbuster Trade In a shocking move that has sent seismic waves through the hockey world, the Vegas...
High Winds Blamed for Vegas Golden Knights’ 6-2 Loss to Sabres
High Winds Blamed for Vegas Golden Knights' 6-2 Loss to Sabres In an unexpected turn of events, the Vegas Golden Knights suffered a devastating 6-2 loss to the Buffalo Sabres...
